How to Behave at a Munch

Leather gloves and drink

The new year is coming and maybe you’re thinking of getting involved with your local BDSM community as your new years resolution. Today I’m going to give you a few bits of advice before you go to your first ever munch so you have the best possible time you can have.

Do your research

Get yourself onto FetLife and see what is in your local area, if you’re lucky enough to live in a city there are probably plenty to choose from. If you live in or around London, England there is a website just dedicated to London events. Go check it out here. There are some that are just general and open to all, others may have a focus on rope or hypnosis. Find what is the best fit for you.

Do dress appropriately

Remember you are probably going to be in a local bar or pub, dress the same way you would if you were going for a drink any other time and under any other circumstance. No one wants to see you in your finest latex top with the perfectly located holes for your nipples while they’re sipping on their cheap glass of wine. And it might get the event banned from the venue. It’s a quick way to give yourself a really bad name.

Don’t treat it like a meat market

A munch is a social event, it’s to get together with old friends and meet new ones, it is not a hook up event. Sure that happens, I’ve met partners through munches once upon a time, but that was never my goal when I went out that night. I’ve said this every time I’ve gone on a night out, I’m out to have fun I am not on the pull. I highly recommend this attitude as a general thing if you want to have a good night out. If you’re just going to use a munch as a place to pick up, quite frankly, you’re just going to look like a cunt.

Don’t get wasted

Don’t get so drunk you can barely stand. Actually, I’m just going to advise you to never do this, ever, it’s really bad for you. Auntie Hazard has spoken.

Do be polite

Back in my munch days I would occasionally get a message from someone who saw on the FetLife page that I was going to the event and was going for the first time. Most of the time it would be a friendly message asking if they could come and talk to me as they didn’t know anyone. And of course I would say yes, I remember turning up to places and not knowing a single person and it’s scary. And then there was the other kind of message. The ones who just wanted to fuck me and used meeting at the munch as an excuse to message me with gross comments. Never saw them at any events unsurprisingly, and this leads me onto my final point quite nicely.

Don’t be scared to call out creeps

We all know from this previous post about my feelings towards the culture of silence in the BDSM community so I’ll keep this kind of brief, if someone is being a creep and making you uncomfortable talk to the organisers! And if the organisers don’t do anything about it then leave, don’t go back and do warn others in the future.

So now you have a few helpful points all you need to do is get out there and make some new friends and most of all, enjoy yourself.

If you’ve got any points you would like to add or have any questions then please do leave them in the comments.

Lifestyle Not Fuckstyle

BDSM relationship quote

OK, today I’m going to put my switch hat on again (it’s sparkly in case you’re wondering) and follow up my last post and talk about some realities of lifestyle BDSM.

Maybe you’ve just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey (and just this once I will not judge you too harshly) or it’s something you’ve always wanted to do and finally you are ready to take the plunge. I’ve been living the lifestyle for years and here’s the thing, the reality is that they are a lot of hard work. Hell, relationships are a lot of hard work but adding a whole other element on top of it and there’s a lot more work to put in. So grab a drink and let Auntie Hazard share some truths of living the lifestyle.

It’s not all about sex

This should be really obvious but apparently it isn’t. That sexy slave you’ve been talking to, that you want to take control of is not going to be horny at the drop of a hat and ready to fuck you every second of the day. They have a whole life, hobbies, friends, family and a complex brain chemistry. If you want to build an entire D/s relationship around fucking it will struggle once the honeymoon period is over. It’s a lifestyle not a fuckstyle. (I just came up with that and I’m rather proud of it.) Giving up control in D/s relationships is bigger than that. A lot bigger, it’s building trust, constant communication, working out what parts of their life are those to run because, quite frankly, they know more about it. Sex is great, I fucking love it, but if that’s all you want to focus on that sexy slave is soon going to be feeling bored and unfulfilled.

We are who we are

You cannot turn a sweet little into a filthy masochist. You can be both, but you can’t force someone into being something they aren’t. One too many times I dated people that didn’t seem to want to date a goth/cyberpunk/whatever weird alternative look I was rocking at the time. I would have to take out the piercings and no more tattoos because I didn’t fit into the box they wanted me in. They are gone and I am still a bad-ass alternative freak and I love it.

Trying to turn someone into what they aren’t will make them miserable. I’m a latex loving, sadistic, occasionally masochistic in my private life, bondage enjoying mostly Domme goth weirdo. And I intend on staying that way until I’m too old wield a whip.

For me I’ve never wanted to turn someone into what was perfect for me, but the best version of themselves. D/s is about guidance as much as it is about the control.

We all have lives

Things get in the way on occasion, as I said before, we have big complex brains and sometimes they release more of one chemical than another because of outside influence. The people we love can get sick, jobs can become stressful and at the worst case we can even lose people we love and no one wants to think about domming or submitting to someone even if it is a part of who we are and we love our partner/s as much as we do.

As someone who has struggled with her health for years I can confirm that it very much gets in the way and we just need to focus on ourselves and the pressure of having to be constantly “on” for someone is just too much to ask for.

It’s so much fun

You were starting to think I was going to end on a down note, weren’t you? Don’t worry, ya girl Hazard has totally got your back. The lifestyle really is so much fun, we wouldn’t all be doing it if it wasn’t. But like with anything, you need to put in a lot of work, know what you want and bare in mind that your likes will change over time, you’ll fall out of love with some things and fall in love with new ones. Over 10 years ago I wasn’t that into latex and now I am gradually building a gorgeous rubber wardrobe, I fell out of love with ball gags pretty quick and I always said I never wanted to even consider age play and I gave it a go. That didn’t last but I at least gave it a go!

Be open to new experiences, stay safe and just enjoy it.

Giving and Taking Control

I have an interesting relationship with control, I crave both giving and taking it, and once I dominate someone I can never go back to submitting to them again. Here’s how I make it all work in my life.

As you’ll know if you’ve visited the blog before, I am going back to work in February, and one of the things I will be doing is online domination. It’s here that I get to enjoy my taking of control. I love how powerful it makes me feel. Becoming dominant and taking charge has changed my life, in finding my Mistress side I found my voice again after years of abuse. Being in control gave me strength, BDSM changed my life for the better in so many ways.

I have been the dominant partner in many of my relationships, I enjoy setting the rules as well as enforcing them, and I am a very harsh (but fair, I promise!) Mistress. I get frustrated with people that are only interested in setting rules that are about sex and nothing more, control in a D/s relationship should be about so much more than that, helping your partner to improve in ways they want to, helping the other person to stay on track.

But of course I enjoy giving up control, in my relationship my partner is the dominant partner. Unlike in many previous relationships he is only dominant during sex. Although he has had his moments where he has put the sexy dominant voice on to get me through my to do list. Me giving up further control is not something on the cards, or even been a conversation. We are still exploring a lot of different things together so there’s no rush, but I very rarely rule anything out in regards to the future.

Giving up control has been a huge help for keeping me on track in the past, having someone take charge makes me accountable to someone other than me. I can stick to goals rather than trying to get three weeks worth of jobs done in the space of an afternoon. And I can enjoy orgasms more when I have been given permission, and even more if I haven’t been allowed to have one for a while. Although this isn’t particularly a part of my current relationship. My partner really likes making me come. And I like letting him!

If you want to bring more control into your relationship I highly recommend taking a whole uninterrupted afternoon or evening to go through exactly what you both want. It’s a very complex thing and the last thing you need is outside distractions. Make a list, a physical one preferably of what is on and off the table. Once you have an idea of what you want, decide what to introduce to your dynamic first and over time add or take away as you find what works and what doesn’t. If it’s your first time entering into this kind of relationship why not check out my post on using a planner within a D/s dynamic here.

Inspiration for this post came from Tell Me About… by The Safewords Club, go check out other posts on control here.

D/s Over the Holidays

Pink Christmas tree

The holiday season is well and truly upon us here in the UK, with a big focus on family it can be hard to keep up the rules of a power exchange relationship, but it’s not impossible. So lets look at some ideas to make it work!

Physical Cues

A touch to the leg, a hand squeeze, a stroke of the finger, all subtle shows of affection that can be transformed into small cues to keep rules in tact without having to utter a word or give anything away. There are countless ways to work around asking and giving permission, just work out the ones that are best for your dynamic.

Pet Names

It’s an obvious one but I’m bringing it up anyway, picking a pet name that replaces what you would ordinarily call them in private is great for any time of year. Having a replacement is also helpful to not accidentally slip up too.

Preset Rules

Sometimes we spend the holidays apart from our partners to be with family and it’s worth looking at what rules you need to make ahead of time and what current rules might need to be changed while circumstances are different.

Texting

While it’s not uncommon to use texting for permission we often aren’t at our phones during holiday and family time. It’s important to keep this in mind and decide if it would be an automatic yes or no if there hasn’t been a reply after a certain set time. This is good for both sides as then there is no phone watching for either party.

Remember, it’s a short but very busy time of year so just remember to be realistic with your rules and expectations, but most importantly, have fun.

KOTW – Period Sex

I have no problem with period sex, it doesn’t do anything for me but it certainly won’t put me off. I’ve met people who are really into it, others that have been hugely put off by it. The only reason I don’t do it at the moment is because I keep forgetting to get a towel we don’t mind getting covered in blood.

That’s really the only problem I have with period sex, the mess. I’m not bothered by the blood itself, it’s the getting it out of whatever it gets on that irritates me. Nothing a cheap towel won’t fix, a couple of washed out blood stains never hurt anyone but that doesn’t mean I want them on my white bed sheets!

I do sometimes masturbate while on my period, it can be a great help in easing the bad cramps that I get, and I do get very nasty period pains. I was actually planning on doing a dildo video last week but I was just in too much pain. Oh well, I’ll be getting another one in a few weeks so maybe next time.

At the moment we aren’t having period sex, but that just means that the focus is on my partners pleasure which I I love. He’s very much all about giving me pleasure and orgasm after orgasm (I am a very, very lucky lady to have him) so it’s nice to be able to put the focus on him because he certainly deserves it.

What are your thoughts on period sex? Is it a turn on or a turn off? If you liked this post go and check other posts out about it here.

London Alternative Market

London Alternative Market wrist band

Christmas LAM has come and gone and I spent most of the day there, something quite unusual for me. I have usually spent my money (too much if I’m honest) and head home. I don’t really get all that involved in the fetish scene these days, I’m not a fan of munches, I don’t go to clubs any more in part because I’m not a fan of how crowded they get and in part because my partner and I have no desire to go. But this is something we do enjoy every now and again. And a friend of my partner was going so it was lovely getting to meet him for the first time. And discovering we had a few mutual acquaintances, but then the scene is a goldfish bowl.

There are a couple of companies I can only buy from the market, it’s this exclusivity that keep me coming back. In particular Leather Delights and Bear Bite Bondage, and if you check out the links to their Instagram pages you’ll see why.

After a quick look around upstairs we headed down so I could visit Bear Bite Bondage as they had very kindly set some rope aside for me that wasn’t treated with the sweet orange wax (I cannot thank you enough for this). I got a black (obviously) and deep pink. Their jute rope is all treated to give you the best quality. I’ve already talked about them in my Christmas gift post. I can’t wait to get using it next weekend.

Bear Bite Bondage pink and black 5mm jute rope.

I had a little longing drool over the Godeminche dildos. One day I’ll have the money to own one. But today, alas was not that day as I had already gone with toys in mind. But those glittery dildos are stunning and the quality is clearly very high. After a good look around we sat and had a drink and my partner and his friend had a good catch up. It was in this time I got to dash off and pick up a Christmas gift from one of the stores I reviewed. As my partner reads the blog I’ll be keeping quiet about what I got until after Christmas.

It was a trip to Trussed UK and a set of wax play candles, which is the next thing I’m introducing my partner to. I’ve not done any wax play in years so I’m really looking forward to next weekend! Their selection of colours is so good, they even do UV colours, I have some but I’m waiting to get a black light to use them. That’s been on the to buy list for some time now. Trussed even do wax play pitchers and I do quite like the look of them.

Grey, teal, pink, purple and black wax play candles by Trussed UK

The final item on my list was a new pair of wrist cuffs since mine have been missing for a while, break ups are bad for your toy collection, and I only had ankle cuffs. So I stopped off at Leather Delights. I was drawn to the collars first since apparently I have some kind of problem and can’t resist them. But eventually got to looking at the cuffs I’d set out to buy. I picked them out with my partner as I wanted to get something that was ours as we haven’t really brought any toys together and I wanted some things that were just ours. And because as I said, I have some kind of problem, a collar needed to match it. It was something again, he helped me pick out. The cuffs are patent leather and so soft and flexible but tough and I am in love with them in a big way. I’ll be on the lookout for some matching ankle cuffs next time I’m at LAM.

Leather Delights purple wrist cuffs
Leather Delights purple collar

We spent the rest of the time sat relaxing and chatting, except for when we went upstairs to use the toilets, and my partner brought something from Jed Phoenix, I’m not allowed to know what and not happy about that. But I’m glad I did wait where I was when an old friend came out of the toilets. We haven’t seen each other in years and there was a lot of hugs. We somehow managed to lose both of our partners, they were not having sex in a toilet, in spite of that being her first thought. It was so good to see both of them and introduce my partner, especially since he had so much about them.

We were getting pretty tired by this point and decided to call it a day. It’s the most fun I’ve had at a fetish event in a very long time, and it’ll be a while before we’re back but we will be coming back.

November Round Up

November has been a lot of fun, from dungeon time to new podcasts I have tried my best to keep myself busy. Here’s the stuff I’ve really loved.

The Smutlancer Podcast it was their episode on planners that gave me the idea to write my last post. Although I use a different system and for different things it was a fantastic episode. I’ve only just started listening so I have lots to catch up on at the moment. If you are a sex blogger or want to be then this podcast is just what you need.

Abrasion play, it’s easily our favourite thing to do and a staple of our playtime. My acrylic nails are a firm favourite and the toy box will be getting some new additions so we can enjoy it even more.

Honour PVC Nurse dress, I have worn this so much lately so there was no way it wasn’t getting a mention. I’ve been wearing it with a pair of opera length PVC gloves that I’ve had for years and I love the way they look together.

Boys Own Lubricant This has been my go to lube for a few years now. It smells great, lasts ages and is perfect for anal as well as vaginal. I’ve had a problem in the past of having nasty reactions to other brands and this one just works with my very sensitive skin.